The beep beep beep of the machines has goin on for days and it's like having a headache that just won't go away no matter how much you try to make it, it's living in ma head permanent-like.
Doctor seemed interested at first when I talked to him, then covered his reaction, checking around to see if anyone was listening, which they got Dad on so much painkiller now idk if he'll ever come back around enough ta hear if an airplane crashed through the roof.
And I'm askin myself wtf am I thinking, why do I care if they take it, cuz I really want to tell this world ta go fuck itself is all I really want, stick me with a shitty broke body that never worked right, do they fuckin deserve this?
I sure as hell didn't.
And it makes me sick ta think they might stick it in some fat old blue-hair who's been sucking down fast food and Dunhills and Bombay for thirty years and wonders why their ticker's givin out. Got to set conditions somehow, I think, but that's fuckin stupid, too, I mean wtf am I gonna do if they lie about what they're gonna do with it, haunt them?
I can't get this taste out of my mouth, either, it takes like bad poison all the time, and they ran some other tests without sayin what they're for so I wonder if something else is about to go wrong with me, cuz that taste just isn't right, it's rotten and stale and tastes like the smell of the dead cat I found when I was six.
And I know that Dad's gonna wake up and find me gone and well that sucks, and a part of me wants him to feel that, to let him know what it really feels like for your son ta be dead.
Or maybe I think about it more and it's my decision, my body, and then all I can think of is what if someone like Jake Jr. needed it, some kid with an easy smile and a laugh that makes everyone in the room laugh, and smarts that won't quit, I mean, that'd be ultimate cuz then it wouldn't be wasted on some old bag of flesh or wasted keeping me around for no good reason, then it would mean something, yanno, and maybe I gotta find a way to wake Dad up and talk to him to make sure that happens.
And I can't stop crying and I feel so fuckin exhausted I just want this all to end ffs.
I think more about Jake Jr. and that just makes me cry harder.