30 April 2010

Apparently the Police are searching David across his State. But as he has a history of running away I’m sure it’s more out of duty than anything else. David told me that once he was gone for almost two months. God, two months! My head is swimming after just 72 hours with this kid... come 8 weeks I’d be an absolute train wreck. I’ve already begun having thoughts of not letting him go, doing something that would be irreversible... I just don’t think I can give this one up.

David hasn’t fucked me since that first night. He’s wanted to, and I’ve wanted it even more, but for once in this life I managed to control myself... to protect myself. Instead I have taken on the skin of his past abusers and fuck him with horrendous violence put in each thrust. It’s like hurting him to tell him “I love you!” Trying to make him feel the pain of my involvement. After sex, if that’s what it is, he lays stomach down on the bed with his arsehole swollen and open like a toothless mouth. It can take anywhere up to 4 hours before it finally deflates and he is able to turn over. In that time he just quietly reads his comics. He must be in absolute discomfort but he never says a word, just laughs now and again then grimaces as his joy inadvertantly makes his butt mucles clench. My aim is to hurt him enough with my passion so I will not have to have him hurt me with his. It’s a very, very fine line I am walking.

But it’s not all like that... that is a very small part of the story. For the most part we sit together and watch things. David teaches me about his world and I teach him about mine. In those hours we are worlds away.

25 April 2010

He acted different after that. I found us a cheap hotel and I asked him where he was trying to go and he just said 'i dunno' and now we're sitting on separate beds, he stole one of my beers and drank half the fucking vodka but he isnt acting even buzzed.

'Can you be my babysitter?'
'Just go with it, gimme a bath and get me drunk.'

So I say okay and fuck he's so skinny but his cock is like huge so I can't help but play with it.
'I'm gonna.'
'It's okay.'
Fuck almost put my eye out he shot so big. And now he's all smiles and shit and I get him into his Spongebob PJ's and he's making me watch cartoons but I can't get his cock out of my head. So I've got my hand down his PJ's and he's hard again.
'Can we stop playing?' I ask.
'Why? You aren't having fun?'
'Yeah, I am, just...'
He giggles and stuffs a Starburst in his mouth and I take a moment to share it, just taste him and his candy.
'I want you to fuck me,' I say, and fuck I can't believe I just said that.
'Really? All the others just wanted to fuck me which is okay but I've never done that.'
And fuck I'm really losing control here cos he's just so perfect and I say yeah and put the lube on him, not gonna use a condom, hell, no one has fucked me since I was twelve. He seems to know what he's doing, thank fuck he's gentle cos that thing is huge and fuck this might be such a bad idea cos I think I'm actually falling for him, he's fucking me but so gentle it's like he cares and I just drop the words which makes him stop for a minute.
'Just cuz I'm good?'

And no, it isn't that, fuck he broke something in me that prolly should have been broken years back. Which totally sucks as of course we can never really be together, he's porlly 15 if that but he's actually kissing me.
'Did you cum?' he asks and I'm like no but that's okay.He could do this for two days straight and I wouldn't have to, it just feels so safe.
'I came in you a couple times, mister, I'm sorry.'
'It's okay, I wanted you to.'
He pulls and starts to jerk me off but I don't want it, not yet, he's completely messed me up now. He steals a cig and is smoking on the edge of the bed so I give him a beer and ask what's up but I know what it is, two people who thought they didn't need anyone just found out they did. He's crying so I brush his tears off and just kiss him, fuck, David, you just did that cos you care?
We sleep together, naked, and he flops on top of me and holds me and fuck I don't know what to think cos I gotta admit this feels too nice to give up.
No, I wasn't wrong and in such cases I very rarely am. This boy had the cock of a God. I watched it rise and bulge and on it's own accord seemed to open the zipper and spring out. And he lay there like that. Slouched back and smoking with his cock standing in the wind. And just like that we drove north.

Now big cocks are fine... huge cocks even better. But there is something always and ultimately disappointing when you find one. It happened that the 11 inches that I wanked and sucked off for 3 hours were backed up by a pair of hideously tiny balls. Really. By the time I had yanked this kids pants down he somehow looked abnormal... like an adult baby. I think he was aware of it too... that's how he'd mastered that trick with the zipper.

I felt myself getting angry, that kind of rage that one knows cannot be tamed or counted away. I was either gonna kill this boy or we were gonna have incredible sex... both are pretty much the same thing. Billy saw my eyes and I saw his. He was petrified and suddenly realised he didn't know where the fuck he was. I think at one point he thought about jumping out the moving car. At a kind of loss as what to do he grabbed my hand and pulled it towards his cock. As he fingered his arse I think he was praying for incredible sex...
what have I done?
like mum used to always say, david, what have you done?
He didn't want more than an ice and yeah he was curious so I let myself get out of control. And he smiled the whole time but then he came and the regret just started so fast I lost it and I knew no one could find out or talk about this.
Every camera, every person that might tell, I took care of, not so ashamed of the pimply kid at the desk but I am for the boy. To be that perfect, that fragile again...it must be nice. Now I gotta be quiet, go up north as they're for sure gonna connect the dots and figure it's me.
Maybe I can go back to mum's cabin. I miss those days sun and the pond and my best friend well my only one, he was like ten years older but he taught me to work on cars and taught me to fish since I had no dad he was it. And all he wanted was sleepovers where he took down my briefs and played a bit. I wish life could have always been like that, me in the sun so warm with him and he was so sweet to me, I was an annoying kid but he put up with me.
He only yelled at me once and that was when he caught me smoking. I was twelve and he started to take it away.
'Those will kill you. Do you want to die?' he said.
And I said yeah, I do, if I could only spend forever with you like this and he let me keep it and took one off of me. He stuck his hand down my jeans and I felt guilty a bit but it felt good so I just closed my eyes.
'Do you like this?' he asked and I said yeah. This was a life I wanted, you know, just hang out, fish a bit and get jerked off so much my dick started to hurt. Nothing scary in that. Sometimes he took me to his cabin and made me a burger with extra cheese like I liked so I got naked for him and we curled up and watched TV. No one can understand our relationship I guess, it was cool though.
Fuck, I'm so mad at myself for killing him. It's time, David, it's fucking time to just be yourself.
I hotwire a Mustang and it's so fucking early on a Sunday its owner is prolly passed out and so hungover after he wakes he won't notice for hours. And there's a boy who takes to my new car, he's just beautiful too, long black hair and green eyes and a big goofy smile when he hops in and fuck either those jeans are a size too small or he's several sizes bigger there than usual.
I come right out and tell him the car is jacked, and he says cool and lights himself a cig and just like when I was a kid I'm the one telling him those things will kill him, but he has a better answer, 'fuck it.' And I swear I won't hurt this one, we just need to stay under the radar, he knows what I want and he's cool with it so I fucking swear I won't hurt him, he's just too perfect to damage any more.
What needs to be understod here is that I'm not a bad person. I am not sick and I am not twisted. I am a good man... an honest man... a kind man. I have fantasies and desires and god knows where they come from. I certainly never paid for them. Everyone can understand that.

And just like you, most the time i can resist temptation... I can find anti-climax in other ways. But it arrives, and it always arrives, where relief cannot be sought wanking and growling over uploaded videos or imagination. There comes a time when flesh must touch flesh, where meat must eat meat. But all that means is: I could have been You.

There is blood and shit on my middle finger, thumb and cock. A young body, seven if a day, lays like a shorn lamb on the floor. If he were breathing he would also be crying, but he is silent. I feel kind of embarrassed, sick now. The moment the come shoot from my dick all desire deflated. I was left with nothing but a mess. There is no doubt I am a sad man, but I am certainly not bad.

11 April 2010

They have their names for me and I let them keep them. I'm not particular. So wise they are none noticed when he broke my teeth I spit them into my palm and now it's down to just one guard, the one who kicked me and left me in here in cuffs. I pick the lock with a bit of broken tooth and the fucks who beat on me are standing well back since the biggest ass all is strugglling and failing to get out of my chokehold, funny how that knee just fails to give and now he's foaming and spitting. Okay, be nice, I say to myself so just a quick shift and snap it's all over. But not for this Guard Hainey, I get him here and he doesn't even see it, slam that broken tooth right into his neck and he's fucked but it's not gonna be fast, not even close, he can't even fight back he's so busy trying to stop the blood from spurting but I mostly got it right so not much chnnce there. I rip his cheap polyster blues down and even though the cage is open wide none is going is going to resist a chance so he's bleeding out and getting raped all at once. Now that's justice.

I'm out and it tastes of salt in the air so it must be sea. There's a boy who notices me, well I stole the uniform so he thinks I'm a cop, lets me buy him an ice and he's bouncing on my lap so much I gotta find a room soon.
'It's such a nice day, mister, isn't it?'
'Yeah, such a nice day.'
I rest my hand on his lap, just close enough for now, daring right out in the open to touch a bit.
Fuck, I gotta finda a room fast since he doesn't seem to care.
It was one of those wild summer days where you look up at the sky and smell the sea. The world seemed to have transcended to a place beyond peace. "It can never be better than this!" thought Kyle. And then the van stopped, scrunched gravel and then stopped again. They led him out still in handcuffs and prison slacks and pushed him quickly inside. "Kyle Bridges. Funeral Release." Said a fatigued guard scratching his neck under the collar.
"Good service?" Asked another
"Ain't they all?" said Kyle "Can't wait for mine."
And then they stripped him down... Violated him with a search... Led him to his cell... And as one held and twisted his arms behind his back another placed a pillow over his face and started pounding away. When he fell to his knees (or rather was lowered to them) the pillow was placed around his ribs and black shiny boots started kicking in the bones.
"Sick paedo cunt!" KICK
"Cunt!" KICK
"Faggot fuck!" KICK
"Not so fucking clever now, hey, paedo!" KICK, KICK, KICK.
During this hideous and frenzied thrashing Kyle succombed to The Blackout and his last thought before leaving for another hell was: "It can never be better than this!"

08 April 2010

The tragedy of "gone" is that it is in the past and for those which are left, nothing can ever be further away than that. And that is what Kyle thought as he stood listening to the sermon, the priest's words as grave and as deep as the hole that the body was lowered into. The future may be bleak, but it is not hopeless... and then he wiped his eyes, regained control of his facial muscles and tried to forget that Johnny had ever really existed at all.

05 April 2010

The tragedy of "loved" is that it is in the past and for the heartbroken and estranged lover nothing could ever be further away than that. And that is what Johnny thought as he stood on the bridge dropping tears into the river. The future may be bleak, but it is not hopeless... and then his body hit the water and like a piece of driftwood he was gone.