25 April 2010

what have I done?
like mum used to always say, david, what have you done?
He didn't want more than an ice and yeah he was curious so I let myself get out of control. And he smiled the whole time but then he came and the regret just started so fast I lost it and I knew no one could find out or talk about this.
Every camera, every person that might tell, I took care of, not so ashamed of the pimply kid at the desk but I am for the boy. To be that perfect, that fragile again...it must be nice. Now I gotta be quiet, go up north as they're for sure gonna connect the dots and figure it's me.
Maybe I can go back to mum's cabin. I miss those days sun and the pond and my best friend well my only one, he was like ten years older but he taught me to work on cars and taught me to fish since I had no dad he was it. And all he wanted was sleepovers where he took down my briefs and played a bit. I wish life could have always been like that, me in the sun so warm with him and he was so sweet to me, I was an annoying kid but he put up with me.
He only yelled at me once and that was when he caught me smoking. I was twelve and he started to take it away.
'Those will kill you. Do you want to die?' he said.
And I said yeah, I do, if I could only spend forever with you like this and he let me keep it and took one off of me. He stuck his hand down my jeans and I felt guilty a bit but it felt good so I just closed my eyes.
'Do you like this?' he asked and I said yeah. This was a life I wanted, you know, just hang out, fish a bit and get jerked off so much my dick started to hurt. Nothing scary in that. Sometimes he took me to his cabin and made me a burger with extra cheese like I liked so I got naked for him and we curled up and watched TV. No one can understand our relationship I guess, it was cool though.
Fuck, I'm so mad at myself for killing him. It's time, David, it's fucking time to just be yourself.
I hotwire a Mustang and it's so fucking early on a Sunday its owner is prolly passed out and so hungover after he wakes he won't notice for hours. And there's a boy who takes to my new car, he's just beautiful too, long black hair and green eyes and a big goofy smile when he hops in and fuck either those jeans are a size too small or he's several sizes bigger there than usual.
I come right out and tell him the car is jacked, and he says cool and lights himself a cig and just like when I was a kid I'm the one telling him those things will kill him, but he has a better answer, 'fuck it.' And I swear I won't hurt this one, we just need to stay under the radar, he knows what I want and he's cool with it so I fucking swear I won't hurt him, he's just too perfect to damage any more.

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