16 June 2009


Sam's coming round, what am I gonna say, I've been lying here practicing this for three hours and i still don't know what I am going to say.
'Here son'.
'Dad' the voice somehow more questioning.
'Yes Sam, it's me, here, next to you'.
'What happened, Dad'.
'to you or me' I say.
'well, me, I just blacked out at work, it's just one of them things, they just keeping me in for obs'. 'You had a diabetic episode, you missed your shot and went under'.
I can see the look of recognition in your eyes, as you start to remember. I hold my hand out to you, you look and shift in your bed.
'don't Dad, not now K'?
'it's OK Sam, no worries'.
'was there something about a kidney' you ask.
The security guard whose now sitting in a chair by the door shifts, was that a move of unease?
I look at my son, he seems so vulnerable and small, like he did when he was small and chasing footballs all over the park, running and falling, always falling.
'I don't understand it Sam, the Doctor says they had to remove a kidney because it was too damaged to save'.
Your voice more urgent now,
'I swear Dad I've done nothing that would have damaged my kidney's, I don't get it, I've done nothing'.
'Me neither Sam, I don't get it either', I say.
He shifts in his bed again, pushes his head back into the pillow and stares at the ceiling and I wonder if we are thinking the same thing.
'Dad, I just don't understand this'.

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